The Lord gives and takes away
It’s been a while since I’ve written a post. This is mainly been because school has sucked up all of my free time but Kara and I recently experienced a loss that I need to blog about. This is more for personal therapy then anything else.
Kara learned that she was pregnant with our second child about a month ago. The news was met with a combination of joy and surprise. We were not expecting to be expecting quite yet. That surprise quickly changed to the joy you have when thinking about a new baby and all the uninhibited speculation about the next 20 years. The thoughts of Emma having younger sibling and I can honestly say it didn’t matter if the baby was a boy or a girl.
Even though I thought about it in the abstract the feeling was never real to me, I don’t know why but the idea of being a father to two was in my head but hadn’t made it to my heart yet. We were making plans and adjusting schedules but it never really hit me that there was a new life growing inside of Kara.
This past Sunday morning Kara and I lost the baby when she suffered a miscarriage. She went in for a D&C later that day. Our friends from work and church have been quick to send their condolences and they all want to make sure that we are doing OK and ask if they can help in anyway. The problem is that I don’t know how I’m doing, good or bad. I don’t know how I will move on and how much this actually affected me. I have a very thick skin that has been built up over the years. The problem with it is even though it protects me from worries of other people’s thoughts it also tends to trap mine inside. Other people would call this an emotional wall.
When bonfire stack collapsed in November of 1999 I knew two of the students who died. I couldn’t bring myself to cry even though the whole school was. 4 months later I was at the funeral of my God parent’s son whom I don’t ever remember meeting and it all came out at once. At my grandmother Lindell’s funeral I didn’t cry until I got up to give a Eulogy. Then it inconveniently all came out at once. So the emotions are there but I tend to run from them until circumstances force me to see them.
So how does somebody who is uncomfortable with showing vulnerable emotions or ask for help handle a miscarriage in a healthy way. When trying to title this post I couldn’t think of something appropriate and was actually going to put “No Words” as the title. I then thought about a verse that I though I knew the meaning of.
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD.”
Job 1:21 (NKJV)
There is a song that is inspired by this verse called “Blessed by your name” that I love.
http://www.lyricsbox.com/matt-redman-lyrics-blessed-be-your-name-pfs45jc.html
It brought some tears to my eyes and has helped me to deal with my emotions. I don’t know how much pain is actually down there but I believe the more I can deal with it the better.
Kara learned that she was pregnant with our second child about a month ago. The news was met with a combination of joy and surprise. We were not expecting to be expecting quite yet. That surprise quickly changed to the joy you have when thinking about a new baby and all the uninhibited speculation about the next 20 years. The thoughts of Emma having younger sibling and I can honestly say it didn’t matter if the baby was a boy or a girl.
Even though I thought about it in the abstract the feeling was never real to me, I don’t know why but the idea of being a father to two was in my head but hadn’t made it to my heart yet. We were making plans and adjusting schedules but it never really hit me that there was a new life growing inside of Kara.
This past Sunday morning Kara and I lost the baby when she suffered a miscarriage. She went in for a D&C later that day. Our friends from work and church have been quick to send their condolences and they all want to make sure that we are doing OK and ask if they can help in anyway. The problem is that I don’t know how I’m doing, good or bad. I don’t know how I will move on and how much this actually affected me. I have a very thick skin that has been built up over the years. The problem with it is even though it protects me from worries of other people’s thoughts it also tends to trap mine inside. Other people would call this an emotional wall.
When bonfire stack collapsed in November of 1999 I knew two of the students who died. I couldn’t bring myself to cry even though the whole school was. 4 months later I was at the funeral of my God parent’s son whom I don’t ever remember meeting and it all came out at once. At my grandmother Lindell’s funeral I didn’t cry until I got up to give a Eulogy. Then it inconveniently all came out at once. So the emotions are there but I tend to run from them until circumstances force me to see them.
So how does somebody who is uncomfortable with showing vulnerable emotions or ask for help handle a miscarriage in a healthy way. When trying to title this post I couldn’t think of something appropriate and was actually going to put “No Words” as the title. I then thought about a verse that I though I knew the meaning of.
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD.”
Job 1:21 (NKJV)
There is a song that is inspired by this verse called “Blessed by your name” that I love.
http://www.lyricsbox.com/matt-redman-lyrics-blessed-be-your-name-pfs45jc.html
It brought some tears to my eyes and has helped me to deal with my emotions. I don’t know how much pain is actually down there but I believe the more I can deal with it the better.
posted by Russell at
8:11 AM
2 Comments:
a few years ago, in our 5th month my wife too suffered a miscarriage with our second child, and we had to go for a D&C. It was not a lump of cells, it was Anna. she will always live in our hearts and i believe in heaven waiting for us. in the mean time we had sarah who is such a blessing in our lives. god is soverign, and works all the things for good to those who love him
Lindelli and Kara - our thoughts and prayers remain with you two. What a trying time God has brought y'all through and now what a joy to have a young baby boy on the way! We love you guys and wish we could be swapping life more often. Keep touching lives and living transparently!
Love, Mike and Erin
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